Note: This is best read from the bottom up for chronological accuracy.
WARNING: Times and names are not historically
accurate and contents may disturb theists.
If you are a theist, it is recommended that
you turn back now...
.
| ERA | Period/Epoch | MYA | Description |
| Darkazoid II | Repo-Darwinian |
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Life begins to emerge from the boiling pools and mud flows. |
| Armagedian |
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Religions clash and launch repeated attacks, finally using biological and nuclear weapons. Create self-fulfilling Armageddon. Nearly all life is wiped from the planet. | |
| Secularian |
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Religion dominates all cultures on earth AGAIN. | |
| Falwellian |
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Religious right obtains ruling outlawing evolution "theory" and replacing all science textbooks with creationist "science" | |
| Holyzoic | Exterminocene | Today | Allah and God go prime time to see who can destroy the earth first. WWF sanctioned, World Wasteland Fatwa. |
| Obcene | 500 years ago | Certain human lines almost become extinct for showing their intelligence. No fossil evidence, only carbon found to verify this. | |
| Crusadbrian | 1000 years ago | Man fights to see who has the toughest God. Neither is granted "Most Favored God" status. | |
| Virginian | 2,000 years ago | Mary Magdaclinton says "I did not have sex with that man, Joseph Lywinski" and the time of the great deception arrives. | |
| Cretinocene | 3,000 years ago | Bunch of outcast worthless humans conjure up God and Religion to obtain power without political office. | |
| Endofreasonian | 5,000 years ago | Caveman group A convinced their "God-Stick" is better than group B's "God-Stick". | |
| Preignoracene | 10,000 years ago | Devil places fake fossils of dinosaurs, man, plants, etc. to piss God off and give humans a reason not to believe God. | |
| Cenozoic | Bibliobscene | 10,500 years ago | God shows up and claims everything here was his creation. |
| Holocene |
|
Name implies a deity of some sort but just a coincidence. | |
| Pleistocene | 1.8m | Caveman displays no sign of superstition but "feels something is missing in his life". | |
| Pliocene | 5m | "Megalo-God" swam the seas spreading fear and eating everything in sight. The species terrified all! Resistance was futile! | |
| Miocene | 23m | Apes first appear in southern Europe where they later evolved and eventually were granted authority over those willing to accept their control. They were finally granted territory called the Vatican. | |
| Oligocene | 38m | Many new mammals appear including pigs, yet we've knocked TV evangelists enough already. | |
| Eocene | 54m | Rodents appear and these missionaries are still with us today - spreading their excrement, plaque and disease. | |
| Paleocene | 65m | There were no gods in this epoch, so we'd rather not discuss it. In fact, we'd just as soon pretend it didn't exist. | |
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Cretaceous |
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The K-T (or "Killing Theists") extinction occurs. Marine invertebrate believed that their religion was right and massacred all other species. Theists all the way to the present day have studied this time and mimicked it in the Inquisition and the Crusades. |
| Jurassic |
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Ammonites appear, named after their maker - the God Ammon, who lived on to influence the Greeks. | |
| Triassic |
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Dinosaurs appear including the ichthyosaurs and the "Icky-osaurus" - a touchy, feely, disgusting creature which promoted all kinds of credulous holistic methods. Icky-osaurus later evolved into the modern day TV astrologists. | |
| Paleozoic | Permian | 290m | "The Age of Amphibio-Christ" - earth needs phtyoplankton to oxygenate the atmosphere, but all species are required to offer phtyoplankton to the Amphibio-Christ, first in 10% tithings but ultimately 100%. This resulted in the mass extinction that ended the Permian period. |
| Pennsylvanian | 320m | First cockroaches and precursor to today's evangelists. | |
| Mississippian | 360m | First winged insects, called "moonies". | |
| Devonian | 410m | "The Age of Fishes" and unfortunately the birth of the religious fish emblem that can still be seen on present day "bumpers". | |
| Silurian | 440m | The first jawed fishes appear as well as the "Jawed Falwell" & "Jawed Robertson" - both slimy species slithered the earth, jaws flapping violently - bringing great pain to the ears of all other species of this time. | |
| Ordovicain | 505m | The Gastropods emerge, a quirky creature which emitted foul smells from its primitive anus. This species "devolved" into the Jawed Falwell and Jawed Robertson of the Silurian whereby the smells and loud noises began to emit from the "mouth-anus". | |
| Cambrian | 545m | All other living species worshipped the "Trilo-God-bite" (not to be confused with present-day worship of the trinity). "Trilo-" referred to the 3 lobes of the God: stupidity, superstition, and gullibility. The "-bite" suffix was derogatory and blasphemous. | |
| Precambrian | |||
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