1:1 In the beginning, God created the coral and the sea.
1:2 And the sea was pretty damn wet... and salty and without form.
1:3 And God said, Let there be waves: and there were waves;
1:4 And God saw the waves, and knew that they were good; the were awesome.
1:5 And God called the waves Surf, and the calm he called Not Surf. 
1:6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it be called Coral.
1:7 And God made the Coral, and it grew, though very slowly and God was very angry at this.
1:8 And God called the Coral Heaven. And in the evening he was tired, let off a poof of ink and disappeared into Heaven.
1:9 On the next day,  God said, Let the waters surround heaven, and let the dry land that is not in the water, not be called water nor Heaven nor Coral nor Surf...  But, let it be called The Dry Land... and it was so.
1:10 And God called the dry land Heathen Country!   And Heathen Country will be called Hell.  And Hell is where land lubbers live, worshipping their pagan idols.  And they were bad and not good, all at the same time.
1:11 And God said, Let there be water under the Surf, covering the Coral Heaven, where we may swim... and it was so.  And no fish, nor crab, nor lobster did tell His Holy Atta-pus that he already created water surrounding the Coral Heaven in 1:9 above.  And so they didn't and this was good.
 

Beelzebub perpetually  tormented Our Holy Lord "Mohammad Atta-pus".  Poking and prodding with his fishing gaff.  But, our Lord showed unwavering Love toward all until one day when he got pissed off and ripped Beelzebub's arms and legs from his body using his Octi-potent powers.  This displayed his greatness to all the fish in the sea and they were in awe, saying "See!  Our Lord loves us deeply or he would have done that to us!"

The Crusades

Land Dwelling heathens and worshipers of pagan idols began to descend upon the Sacred Holy Sea. Lord Mohammad Atta-pus gave his most ferocious and battle ready lobsters swords, shields and wings to fight the Heathens.  And thus began the Crusades.  History tells us of the fierce fighting that left the sand flat battlefields littered with claws, scales, fins, regulators, masks and weight belts.  Eventually, the Land Lubbers were forced out of the Holy Territories and the Marine Invertebrates returned to practicing the true word of our Lord Mohammed Atta-pus.

Atta and Goliath

...........

Our Holy Lord fought and defeated Goliath, or so he said in the divine message handed down over centuries through many aquatic species, none of which spoke the same language.  The story was translated many times before ending up with the King Crab version.  Did it even happen?  Who knows, but our Lord said it did and thus it must be so... and so it was.

Noah's Ark

Contrary to the Land Lubber Heathen's account of Noah's Ark, we know what actually happened to Noah and his band of inferior walking species.  Our Lord Mohammed Atta-pus caused the great waters to rise, covering all the land.  Noah made a feeble attempt to get a bunch of land dwellers on the Ark.  But the Scriptures tell us how Mohammed Atta-pus used this opportunity to attack Noah's Ark, dragging it down into the Holy Sea and temporarily ridding the Earth of the Land Lubbers.  Noah, of course, was killed too.  After many millions of years, some of our infidel brothers evolved and left the Holy Sea to begin walking in Heathen Country again.  They wrote lies about Noah's survival, the receding of the Holy Sea and how he lived many hundreds of years.  One day, our Holy Mohammed Atta-pus will return and cause the Holy Sea to rise again, resulting in a apocalyptic end to the Land Lubbers.

PROCEED TO SCRIPTURES II!

Return to Church Home